Samui Wining & Dining
Absolutely Snookered

Some humorous anecdotes about drinking and drunks.


14Sometimes we do it to relax. Other times it’s to be sociable. On occasion it’s a crutch and other times we just do it because we want to. Drinking alcohol and getting drunk are traditions as old as humanity itself. And many a story of the exploits of inebriated friends and family are happily shared, where else but, down the pub. But most of them are far too risqué to be repeated in print. Tales of alcohol-induced errors abound on Samui: the number of unfortunate chaps who’ve awoken to find that ‘Beautiful Betsy’ was actually ‘Big Bob’ are numerous. And the source of a multitude of witty quotes, but you’ll have to meet me down the pub to hear them!

      Instead, let’s take a look at how some notable wits have described drinking. And end with the top five ways to get drunk for less than 100 Baht. First up is W.C. Fields, who once said, “A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.” Another of his is, “I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake – which I also keep handy.” Beer has been the topic of countless quotations. Among my favourites are: “24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case, coincidence?” (comedian Stephen Wright); “Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” (Dave Barry); “You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline – it helps if you have some kind of football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.” (Frank Zappa); and “Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, it is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.” (Jack Handey).

      Wine also features in many a quote: “Wine is a turncoat: first a friend, then an enemy.” (George Herbert); “Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.” (Ambrose Bierce); “New wine, a friend’s dinner and the music of amateurs are three things to be feared.” (Grimod De La Reynière); “A hangover is the wrath of grapes.” (Unknown); “This is one of the disadvantages of wine: it makes a man mistake words for thought.” (Samuel Johnson) and “Everyone should believe in something, I believe I’ll have another wine.” (Unknown).

      Another altogether more potent brew has been the drink of choice with generations of artists, writers and poets, Absinthe. It is the inclusion of wormwood which provides it with the notorious hallucinogenic properties that have led it to be banned in a host of countries. “That opaque, bitter, tongue-numbing, brain-warming, idea-changing, liquid alchemy that is Absinthe.” (Ernest Hemingway); “Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.” (Ernest Dowson). However, my favourite quote on this is a corruption of the last one and came about after several Absinthes had been consumed. “Absinthe makes the hand Jane Fonda!”

       A few other quotes which I love are: “I drink to make other people interesting.” (George Jean Nathan); “The first thing that dissolves in alcohol is dignity.” (Unknown); “I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” (Frank Sinatra among many); “I envy people who drink, at least they know what to blame everything on.” (Oscar Levant); “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” (Henny Youngman); “How come if alcohol kills millions of brain cells, it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?” (Unknown); “I saw a notice that said “Drink Canada Dry”, so I did.” (Brendan Behan); “A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says, “Okay, let’s get started.” (Henny Youngman); “I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.” (Hunter S. Thompson); and one of my all-time favourites, “Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to have sex.” (George Carlin).

      There are, of course, numerous ways in the English language to describe an acute state of inebriation. I’ll give you 20 and it’s a fair bet you’ll be able to come up with a lot more: fuddled, muddled, tipsy, pissed, rat-faced, half-cut, seeing-double, sloshed, trolleyed, pickled, reeling, smashed, sizzled, nailed, paralytic, squiffy, lamped, snookered, spooned, and my personal Scottish favourite, blootered.

      And so, onto the top five ways in which you can achieve these states for under 100 baht.

     At number 5: Lao Khao; translates as white spirits and is lethal. Pop into any convenience store and pick up a bottle for around 80 baht. Its alcoholic content is off the scale and it would be an insult to a paintbrush to clean it with the stuff but it does exactly what it says on the label, it gets you blootered.

         At number 4: Sickness and sleep deprivation; if you find you’ve eaten something dodgy and are rather ill as a consequence, force yourself to stay awake for three days. The combined effect along with two bottles of strong beer should hit the mark.

         At number 3: Medication; rake through the medicine bag of any female and you’ll come across a plethora of drugs that say, “Do not take alcohol with this drug”, swallow a few and refer to number 5.

         At number 2: Scavenge; go to any busy bar, preferably with a dance floor, and you’ll see lots of alcohol that people don’t want. Most often these finds will be at empty tables with chairs with jackets on them that people also don’t want. Grab the booze, and the jackets, and leave. Do so stealthily though, you won’t believe how many losers will pretend they really wanted their cast-offs.

         And at number 1: If it ends in ‘ol’, drink it!; Alcohol isn’t the only intoxicant ending in ‘ol’. Methanol, Butanol and Propanol are all fine and do the business, often at bargain prices. But do stay away from aerosol, cholesterol and drool.

         Enjoy your drinking here safely; if you do then you can do it all over again the next night. I’ll leave the last words of wisdom to Ernest Hemingway, who knew a thing or two about drinking. “Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”


Johnny Paterson


Copyright 2017 Samui Wining & Dining. All rights reserved Siam Map Company Ltd.